Fears.

So a late night coupled with a very, very early morning, plus an already weird mood intensified by a heartbreaking movie led me to think about my fears.

I'm afraid of so much. And even the people I'm really close to don't really see the extent of these fears. They know I'm afraid to come out to my dad. But no one knows why.

It's not because he wouldn't approve. He's not that kind of person. It's because I'm afraid to show him too much of myself, because I don't want to upset, even slightly, the image he seems to hold of me in his head. I don't even know what that image is; that scares me too. I just want to seem completely perfect, so that only the superficial fiction that doesn't talk much and spends too much time in her room writing shows through. The few times I've tried to share anything real, there's this look I get...

So I can't. Fear number one.

And then there's the fear that I know is stupid, because I'm "only seventeen". But I'm just afraid that I'm destined to spend my life falling in love with people who will never love me back. I mean, I've done it for a third of my life already. So is it really a stretch to imagine that I never will find someone who will love me?

Fear two.

And speaking of that, I'm afraid I'll never get over this love. Because just when I think I can, something draws me back. Or throws me for a loop. Or shows me that I can't.

Three.

Getting away from love, I'm afraid of the future. I know everyone is. But really. I'm just afraid that the path I'm choosing to go down isn't going to be the right one. I'm afraid that I'll never achieve my dream which I've had since I was 8 of being a published author. I'm afraid I'm not good enough.

Number four.

That's not all, but the full list would be nearly endless.

Fear is crippling. I usually just shove it down deep within myself, tell myself everything's going to be ok, believe others when they say the same. But then, on nights like this, when I know I should sleep but don't want to, that all this fear just rises up in the back of my throat and makes me just sit staring at nothing and trying not to cry.

But the mask has to go back on. The fear has to sink back down into its dark little pit. Life is for living, not thinking about all the things that could go wrong. So I've just got to buck up, grit my teeth, and see what happens.